Fellowship Of Young Christian Widows-Widowers

              WALKING ALONGSIDE OF YOUNG WIDOWS/WIDOWERS.............OFFERING HOPE AND ENCOURAGEMENT

                                                            

 

 

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                  FELLOWSHIP OF YOUNG CHRISTIAN

       WIDOWS-WIDOWERS 
                                      Newsletter #4

                                                                                        CONTENTS 
                                                                                  Getting to Know You
                                                                           This Month's Discussion Topic 
                                                                                  Stories and Poems 
                                                                                       Kid to Kid 

 

                                                     GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER 

We would like to introduce a new family in each newsletter as well as on the web site.   If you are interested in participating we would like you to respond by sending us a short introduction to your family.   We want you to share from your heart the joys, the sorrows, and the frustrations.

 Linda and Jim

                It’s December 31st and I am sitting here thinking about how fast this year has gone by. It was a year this past November that Jim went to heaven. It seems like yesterday. It still doesn’t feel real. I know that Jim is no longer here but his memory is always with us.  He would want me as well as our children, to be strong.   I want to share with you what is sustaining me and my children.

                  

 Jim loved to visit his family in North Carolina every fall. I used to go with him, but in the last few years I stayed home because my dad could not be left alone.  Jim didn’t mind the 12 hour ride, and this time he took our dog Bernie for company.

                    

He got to North Carolina and had a wonderful time with his family and grandchildren. On November 6th he started heading home. He called me around 5:00 P.M. from his cell phone and told me that there was a license plate in front of him that read Joshua 1:9.  I looked it up for him while he was driving and I read it to him and he thought it was really nice.

 

            He called later at 8:30 and said he was tired and he was going to stop and stay overnight at a hotel.  He called me the next morning (November 7th) and told me he was not feeling well. He eventually was admitted to a hospital in Martinsburg, Virginia for a heart attack. He lived for 2 weeks and he needed a new heart.  He was never unconscious.  He was talking, and after 7 days he was walking around.  We spent 2 weeks together in the hospital. We laughed and had a good time.  We never talked about him not making it. He didn’t want us to think that he would not be here. The doctors did tell us that he was very sick, but each day he seemed to have gotten better. But on November 21st Jim passed away.  We never got to discuss Joshua 1:9, and I actually forgot about it.

 

It was Christmas morning (2002) and my brother-in-law Jerry called to say hello. He was telling me how Jim liked the verse Joshua 1:9. I got so excited when he said it because I remembered how Jim saw that license plate on the road.  I quickly got my Bible and noticed that it was circled. It read, “Have  I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go”. I knew right then and there that the Lord had Jim see that scripture verse so he would always want me to be strong. I also believe that Jim liked that verse so much that the Lord used it to help him in the hospital. A few months later, I was in the kitchen and I was looking at the newspaper clippings and some cartoons that Jim stuck on the refrigerator. There was a bookmark that was underneath one of the articles; the only thing that you could see was my name LINDA on the top of the bookmark. When I pulled the bookmark up I couldn’t believe what was on it. It was Joshua 1:9, written out. The bookmark was on the refrigerator for over 2 years and I never knew that the scripture verse was on it! I also had bought a series of music that is called “God Will Make a Way”. I never played the bonus CD and when I did they sang the scripture verses of Joshua 1:9.

 

I know that some of you are reading this and wondering how this could be. I know that it was God that wanted me and my family to have this verse so we can lean on God and believe how real the Lord is. I don’t want you to think that I am strong on account of my own strength. I have my days but knowing that God is sovereign and that He does have a plan for us helps me each day to remember that everyday is a gift and that we are here for a reason.  I would rather have Jim here than in heaven, but I am learning more each day that we don’t have control over what we wish we could change. It is still painful for me as well as other family members and friends that Jim is not here .We do grieve but we grieve with the confidence and assurance that we will be reunited again!!!  I Thessalonians 4:13 “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve, as do the rest who have no hope.” 

 

I also know that the two weeks the Lord gave me to be with Jim was a gift.  I say this because I know that the Lord knows when He is going to take us.  Jim loved life but yet he also knew that this place is not our home. He would often say when a believer passed away that they were “Promoted to Glory”.  We will be together someday and it will be for eternity. 

 

                                                             

Thanks for sharing your family with us Linda.  You are right.  We do not grieve without hope!     

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                                                           This Month’s Discussion Topic                            

 

 

 

 

 In the past three newsletters we have discussed our relationships with friends, family and the churches we attend.  Most of you have seen changes in your relationships after the death of your spouse.  In this newsletter we would like to begin discussing changes in our relationship with the Lord.  We will be focusing our discussion

on understanding contentment in Christ.  We are going to devote a larger segment of time to this issue because it is a key element in  how successful we are in our grieving process. Please send us your questions and comments regarding this area of your life.  This will be the topic of discussion in the next few newsletters.  We would appreciate hearing from those of you who are searching for contentment, or have found a place of contentment in Christ in the midst of your grief.

 

Around our small farm we have discovered cocoons in the most amusing places.  On occasion while cleaning our sheep stalls, we find the carefully spun mass hidden under the eaves of the barn protected from the spring rain that washes away everything in its path.   At other times, we find cocoons in our small vineyard precariously hanging on to a grapevine, swaying back and forth with every gust of wind.  What a contrast!  The poor little cocoons on the grapevines hang on for dear life as they are assaulted by every wind and storm that clouds the sky. The cocoons safely under the eaves of the barn rest peacefully in their sheltered homes. If the little caterpillars awaiting their beautiful transformation clinging to the vines looked over at the cocoons securely attached under the protection of the barn, they might be tempted to wonder why they were left to hang on for dear life while others were living in comfort and security! 

 

After the death of your spouse have you ever felt like you have been left clinging to a grapevine, while those around you are resting in the security of their environment?  Have you been faced with finding a place of contentment while hanging on for dear life? 

 

Contentment can be described as coming to a place of satisfaction, finding sufficiency in Christ.  That place of contentment feels like a cocoon safely nestled under the eaves of a barn, when in reality you may be clinging to a vine swaying back and forth with every gust of wind!  In that place of contentment you find a haven amidst the billowing storm.  That place is best described in Psalm 107: 28-30.  “Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses.  He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still.  Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven.”  You will continue to experience the grief and difficulty that comes to widows/widowers, but when you find a place of contentment you will be shielded from the consequences of living in a state of discontent, dissatisfaction, and unrest.  Contentment is not described as jubilation or exhilaration.  Contentment has not been designated as a trouble-free zone.  Webster appears to define contentment with an element of willingness involved.  Can you begin to think of contentment in terms of a willingness to find satisfaction and sufficiency in Christ, in the midst of your sorrow and grief?  If you can find that place of contentment, my friends, you will have found the key to finding a true place of rest, the desired haven the Psalmist spoke of.    

 

In this edition of the FOYCWW Newsletter we are going to discuss areas of willingness to find a place of contentment in Christ.  Without determining by choice that we will find satisfaction and sufficiency in Christ, we cannot expect to find that contentment has taken residence in our hearts. Contentment does not come without some level of effort on our part.  That is evidenced by the large number of discontent people living in luxury and wealth.  Contentment does not come from being where we want to be.  It comes from a realization that we do not need to have everything we expect in life, to be content.   

 

 

v    Are you willing to look into a mirror that transforms your mind to reflect God’s over all plan for humanity? 

How ready are we to look through our grief into a mirror that reflects not only our will, but His? God does not expect us to bypass grief and charge ahead into the unknown.  In our grief we must begin to peek into the mirror and for a moment look past our immediate pain into God’s master plan.  We often forget that our lives here on earth are such a small part of the big picture.  Our earthly journey is designed to prepare us for eternity.  That requires a willingness to be transformed during our pilgrimage.  If we focus too much on the trials we face on a daily basis, we will miss the opportunity to have a glimpse of God’s comprehensive plan. 

But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord. 

  II Corinthians 3:18 

Being willing to look open-faced into a glass that reflects our image, requires a desire for transformation. Transformation is not a one-time, one-try effort.  It is the process of changing into a likeness that is with ever increasing glory. ‘From glory to glory’ simply means ever increasing glory.  In New Testament times, mirrors were made of a flat circular piece of cast metal.  The more the surface was polished, the clearer the reflection. Continuous rubbing was needed to prevent corrosion. Transformation is the continual rubbing process we must go through so we can see a clearer image.  As widows/widowers there is often a bit of raw flesh from that rubbing process. It is painful.  We desired transformation, but not through these means.  Yet God has allowed the loss of our spouse to help us reflect His image in our lives. 

 

 

v    Are you willing to allow suffering to make you more Christ- like?

 

In New Testament times, many were willing to suffer to make themselves more like Jesus.  The concept of actually asking for trials in our lives is a bit mind boggling! As widows/widowers we did not desire to suffer loss, and therefore it is a stretching experience when we try to understand that God wants to use our pain and suffering to make us more like Him.  How willing are we to allow the suffering we experience as widows/widowers to conform us to His image? 

 

But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 1 Peter 4:13

 

Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf. 1 Peter 4:16

 

Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.  I Peter 4:19   

 

 

 

v    Are you willing to separate yourself from the empty, yet enticing, quick fixes that the world is offering you? 

 

There is NO easy pathway through grief.  Often even our Christian friends will try to help us ‘take our minds off our pain’ through busy work or meaningless pursuits of happiness.  It may seem for a time our minds are taken off our grief, yet how much progress do we actually make in finding a place of contentment, the place where we will be comfortable for the rest of our lives?  Many widows/widowers feel they will only come to that place of contentment if they remarry.  There is certainly nothing wrong with remarriage, but it will not bring true satisfaction without first finding sufficiency in Christ. 

 

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.   

                                                        Romans 12:2

 

v    Are you willing to allow God to take your crumbled broken heart and surround it with His presence?

 

I believe we all want to answer “YES” to this question.  Yet in reality do we do things that prevent us from feeling the presence of God in our lives?  Are there areas in our lives where we have shut the door and tried to carry the burden alone?  I think we will all admit that there are times we try to hang onto something we see as a personal issue and we feel we don’t want God to see we are apprehensive about turning complete control over to Him.  Sometimes our broken dreams make it hard for us to let go and leave Him in peace to work alone.

 

 

Broken Dreams
Author Unknown

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
because He is my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do...
you never did let go."

 

v    Are you willing to be thankful in the midst of your sorrow and grief?  Once in a while we hear about people who are able to respond to their tragedy by thanking God for the cancer or accident that took their spouse’s life.  I’m not sure any of us are ready to go there at this point in our lives, but we must come to the realization that a thankful heart will help prevent us from falling into the bitterness trap.  In the midst of our sorrow and grief there are always things we can be thankful for.  At FOYCWW we are reminded of that everyday as e-mails come into our office.  Just as we determine we have read the most tragic story of loss, we are faced with something of an even greater magnitude.  Each of us, no matter the depth of our loss, must find something on a daily basis to be thankful for. 

 

And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. Colossians 3:17     

 

 

 

                    Stories and Poems

In 1890 The Haven Of Rest, written by Henry L Gilmour, was published.  Gilmour, a lifelong servant of the Lord in his local church, understood the wild storms that sometimes surround us.  By making Christ his choice, he found the haven of rest. 

 

My soul in sad exile was out on life's sea,
So burdened with sin and distressed,
Till I heard a sweet voice saying, "Make Me your choice,"
And I entered the haven of rest.

Refrain:
I've anchored my soul in the haven of rest,
I'll sail the wide seas no more;
The tempest may sweep o'er the wild, stormy deep;
In Jesus I'm safe evermore.

I yielded myself to His tender embrace,
And, faith taking hold of the word,
My fetters fell off, and I anchored my soul;
The haven of rest is my Lord.

 

The song of my soul, since the Lord made me whole,
Has been the old story so blest

Of Jesus, who'll save whosoever will have
A home in the haven of rest.

How precious the thought that we all may recline,
Like John, the beloved and blest,
On Jesus' strong arm, where no tempest can harm,
Secure in the haven of rest.

O come to the Saviour, He patiently waits
To save by His power divine;
Come, anchor your soul in the haven of rest,
And say, "My Beloved is mine."
 

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There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God.

 

 Hebrews 4:9 

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                                                Announcements

             

                                              DAILY EMAIL LIST

FOYCWW recently started an email list that is designed to go out no more than once daily.  The list gives widows/widowers the chance to chat with one another and share questions and comments.  For everyone's safety, last names and email addresses are deleted by the moderator.  For those of you who have not yet joined the email list, we offer you an invitation to share in conversation with other widows/widowers. 

 

                                                         HELP NEEDED

This newsletter is an opportunity for everyone to share together.  Please consider helping us by commenting on what you would like to see in the newsletter and sending in  poems and articles.  FOYCWW desires to be an encouragement to you and we need to know the best way to do that.  Thanks for your help.

 

                                                           SHARE IN THE BLESSING

One of the widows at our site would like to honor her husband during the Christmas season.  She has offered to purchase gifts for the children of widows/widowers who are finding themselves with financial difficulties.  FOYCWW feels that helping one another in this way is truly the way the body of Christ should function.  Please contact FOYCWW if you desire to be a part of this blessing.  (Note: Please understand that this offer may be difficult if you reside in a country outside of the US)

 

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                                                                               KID TO KID
Widows and widowers are not the only ones needing encouragement.  Our kids need each other.  Encourage your kids to send us questions, comments, poems they have written, and stories of memories with their dad or mom who is now with Jesus.

 

Breanna wrote this touching poem a few days after her dad died.  I am sure many of you can relate to the pain she expresses.

 

"No Goodbye"

 

Dad, I am sorry

I did not get to say my last goodbye

 

You told me that you loved me

I didn't say anything back

 

I totally ignored you

I didn't expect to never see you again

 

Do you know I still Love you

"cuz I do"

 

I miss you so much Dad

Only if you had one more day

 

I wouldn't let you leave my side

I loved you so much

 

Was God punishing me for not saying

"I Luv you back"?

 

I wish I could bring you back

Why did God make people die?

 

Why didn't I say goodbye?

Mom is doing her best to take over

your job as a father..but

no one was as good as you!!

 

I know I didn't say goodbye, but...

I love you so much and

"Goodbye"

 

 

 

This month we have asked Katie to share a few thoughts with you.  Katie’s dad suddenly went home to be with the Lord almost two years ago. We appreciate her willingness to encourage our hearts with what the Lord has shown her through her grief.

 

Hebrews 12:1 says, “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.”  Shortly after returning home for Christmas break during my first year of Bible College, my Dad was suddenly taken home to be with our God in heaven due to health issues.  In the times that I wish I could go to my father for love, care, and advice, I find comfort in knowing that he is in the “cloud of witnesses” that surrounds me.  He is another reason for me to “run with patience” and serve God with all of my heart.  God gave to me a wise, wonderful, godly father for 19 years of my life.  Even in the times when I miss him so much, I praise God for giving him to me for those very important years.  God knew exactly what I needed before I did, and through losing my Dad, I learned that God’s way is always best.  Isaiah 55:9 says, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” 

          One very important thing I have learned is that when God takes something away, He always gives more in return.  He is always a good God.  Through losing my Dad, I have gained realization of and understanding for those around me who are hurting.  While reaching out to minister to them may have not have been an easy thing for me before, now I naturally desire to comfort them in their pain because I know what they are going through and I know what a comfort it is to have someone who understands. 

 

 

 

All information sent for publication in the newsletter will be used as deemed appropriate.
All information sent may not be used in the next newsletter, but saved and used at a later
time.  If copyright is in question, we will not be able to publish what is sent.
 
 
   

FELLOWSHIP of YOUNG CHRISTIAN

         WIDOWS-WIDOWERS
             Newsletter #3

                                      CONTENTS
                               Getting to Know You
                          This Month's Discussion Topic
                          Questions and Responses
                                  Things to Ponder
                             Life's Lighter Moments
                                       Kid to Kid


 

                     GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER 

THIS MONTH’S DISCUSSION TOPIC

We would like to introduce a new family in each newsletter as well as on the web site.   If you are interested in participating we would like you to respond by sending us a short introduction to your family.   We want you to share from your heart the joys, the sorrows, and the frustrations.

In this newsletter we have the pleasure of introducing you to Elizabeth and her three sons.  Elizabeth's husband died in 2002 from multiple myeloma.  He had been sick for two years before his death.  They were married 17 years and became Christians 5 years after their marriage.  Elizabeth states that her husband Peter was a wonderful husband and father, and they miss him very much.  "We are beginning to learn how to live without him, but the road is rocky and often painful.  We do manage though to have some times of fun and laughter.  He has left us with many good memories which keep us going.  My husband's frequent prayer for our children was that they would be "citizens of heaven," Elizabeth wrote. 
 

 

 

 

 

Stories and Poems

Elizabeth B. shared a beautiful Valentine story with us.  She wrote that her husband Mike graduated to heaven on November 17, 2003.  Her three children are Chris 17, Joel 16, and Michelle 14. 

It was the first Valentine's in 19 years without Mike.  I was trying to make
everything as normal and festive as possible.  Love songs of worship to
Jesus, Valentine cards and candies for the kids, and so on.  I was planning
to go out to the cemetery that evening to spend it there, but then my "brave
heart" was getting close to a pity party.  Instead, I stopped at the store
to pick up something that I would take out to my husband's grave, something
different then flowers and balloons.  As I was walking slowly and with a
heavy heart, my eyes fell on a cast iron lion paperweight.  At least I think
it was a paper weight, about 2-3 lbs 5X 7 in size.  Now, Mike and iron went
together...being a welder by trade and a pastor by calling of the Lord.  I
saw a definite message there.  The Lord said " He lived his life as a meek
and gentle man, now he is with the Lion of Judah".  

Elizabeth completed her story thanking Jesus for a precious message to her heart.  She said those who knew her husband could definitely testify to his meek and humble heart.  God sent her a very special blessing that very next Sunday evening.  At their church's evening worship service they spoke about the Lion of Judah, without anyone knowing about the special Valentine she had found for her husband.  She concluded her story by saying:

"Wow, it is so awesome how the Lord gives us presents, because they are like nuggets of gold and very tasty food to a hungry heart."

Thank you Elizabeth for sharing that wonderful story from your heart! 

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Ida would like to share this poem with all of us.  She has longed for something special to fill the "hole" she feels in her heart since her husband's death three years ago.  Last month her husband's aunt sent her this poem.  She thought it perfectly reflected how her husband must be feeling at this very moment.  I think we would all agree!

       SAFELY AT HOME

I am home in Heaven,dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light

All the pain and grief is over.
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever.
Safely home in heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly
Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! but Jesus love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.

And he came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread;
And with Jesus' arm to lean on.
Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still
Try to look beyond earth's shadows,
Pray to trust our Father's Will.

There is work still waiting for you,
So you must not idly stand;
Do it now while life remaineth-
You shall rest in Jesus' land.

When that work is all completed,
He will gently call you home;
Oh, the rapture of that meeting,
Oh, the joy to see you come..!

Author Unknown

 


 

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A young lad was sitting with his grandfather one day chatting about life.  The grandfather was explaining to the boy about two wolves that wrestled in his mind.  One wolf was filled with anger, self pity, bitterness, resentment, and fear.  The other wolf was full of forgiveness, compassion, contentment, and trust.  As the grandfather vividly described the battle that raged between the wolves, the young lad grew restless.  "Grandpa," he said, "Which of the wolves wins?"  The grandfather, filled with years of wise counsel replied, "The one you feed." 

My friends, as widows and widowers we have battles raging within us at times.  Who wins the battle in our mind is dependent on what we allow ourselves to feed upon.  If we nourish self pity, it will grow.  If we allow ourselves to sit at our Savior's feet and feed upon His Word, our hearts will be filled and contented. 

 

                                                   

 

                                        KID TO KID
Widows and widowers are not the only ones needing encouragement.  Our kids need each other.  Encourage your kids to send us questions, comments, poems they have written, and stories of memories with their dad or mom who is now with Jesus.

** Please note that the following story sent to us by Samuel may be difficult for some of you to understand emotionally.  We all come from different places in our death experiences.  Some children, like Samuel, live a significant part of their childhood knowing that their parent is going to die.  When the end comes each of us deals with it in ways that comfort our own hearts.  In the following paragraph Samuel shares what may be misunderstood by some as disrespectful, but to him was a significant way of saying goodbye to the daddy he loved so very much.  Samuel's mother shared that one of the hospital nurses suggested the idea of riding the trolley and it was not a flippant response to his dad's death, but a positive experience for him. 

My name is Samuel, and I am 8 years old. I am going to tell you a sad story, with a funny part. On the day Daddy died, I visited him in the hospital. I felt very sad, because I loved him a lot. When he was being taken into the place where people are taken when they are dead, I went on top of the trolley that he was on. We thought it was funny that I could have one more ride with my Daddy. We agreed that he would have thought it was funny too.

 
 

FOYCWW is burdened for widow's/widower's relationships in their churches.  We believe that churches desperately want to minister to their needs, but have little understanding of how to do that successfully.  It is our desire to help equip churches to better meet the needs of widows/widowers needs.  Therefore we are currently beginning to put together a 20-30 minute video designed to help churches understand how they can best fulfill the Lord's command to care for the needs of widows. (We believe you widowers need help too!)  We would appreciate any comments or suggestions on what you feel would be helpful for churches to understand about widows/widowers.  Would you be willing to help us in this endeavour?  We hope to have this project completed by fall 2004 in time to begin presenting FOYCWW in churches desiring more information.  If we are able to meet our completion date, FOYCWW plans to present the video in churches from Fresno to the San Diego, California area in October or November.  If you live in that area and your church would be interested in FOYCWW presenting the video in your church, please contact us with your church information.   PLEASE REMEMBER -FOYCWW STILL NEEDS YOUR FAMILY PHOTOS.  Seeing your faces touches the hearts of those who need to understand your needs.  We will not use any identifying information with your photo.  We will be flashing family photos in strategic spots during the video to help people see that we are talking about REAL people's needs. 

Fellowship of Young Christian Widows-Widowers
PO Box 438
El Dorado, CA 95623
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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FELLOWSHIP of YOUNG CHRISTIAN

         WIDOWS-WIDOWERS
             Newsletter #2

                                      CONTENTS
                               Getting to Know You
                          This Month's Discussion Topic
                          Questions and Responses
                                  Things to Ponder
                             Life's Lighter Moments
                                       Kid to Kid
 
 

                                       GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER

 We would like to introduce a new family in each newsletter as well as on
 the web site. This will give you the opportunity to share insights that
you have gained through your grieving experience. We would like you to
 respond by sending us a short introduction to your family. We want you
 to share from your heart, the joys, the sorrows, and the frustrations.

 In this newsletter we would like to introduce you to Gary, from Rwanda.
 He has returned to the mission field after losing his wife to cancer.
 You'll want to go to the web site, Getting Acquainted page, to see the
 picture of Gary and his daughters.


 My name is Gary and I have two daughters Melissa 6 and Megan 4. I have
 been widowed since Aug 19th, 2001 when my best friend and lover quietly
 slipped into the arms of her Savior. Melanie valiantly battled breast
 cancer for 21 months before being healed eternally.

 In 1999 Melanie first noticed a lump in her breast shortly after she had
 stopped nursing our youngest daughter. At first we didn't think much about
 it, but decided to get it checked out just to be safe. We were living in
 Rwanda where we are missionaries so we didn't have access to much medical
 care. Fortunately we were able to find a doctor who told us there
 probably wasn't anything to be concerned about because of no family history, but
 she suggested we have a mammogram done just to be sure. That was good advice,
but where do you get a mammogram done in Africa? After a week of
 searching we finally located a clinic in a neighboring country that could do the
 mammogram. It was a long drive up to Uganda, but we really weren't
 concerned as we went and we were looking to a few days away. Our
 anticipation of some R&R was quickly shattered when the mammogram results
 came back positive and we were advised to get back to the States on the
 next available flight.

 After a few frantic days of searching for airline seats and closing up our
house in Rwanda, we arrived in cold Minnesota with no winter clothes for
 our girls or ourselves. After only a day of catching our breath it was off to
 Mayo Clinic. There the cancer diagnosis was confirmed and surgery was
 scheduled for 2 days later. Three weeks after surgery Melanie began her 6
 months of chemo treatment, and just like they had told us, she lost all
 her beautiful hair after only a few weeks. Following chemo she was given a few
 weeks break before starting radiation therapy. At first, radiation
 was a breeze compared to chemo, but towards the end of the radiation
 therapy Melanie began developing sharp neck pains. She was put on medications, but
 they only helped minimally. We then tried chiropractors, physical
 therapists, and message therapists, none of which helped for long. We
 began making monthly visits to Mayo Clinic. They did repeated tests and
 they assured us all along it wasn't cancer and their conclusion was that
 Melanie's severe neck pains were psychosomatic because she really didn't
 want to go back to Rwanda. After 9 months of frustration and
 excruciating pain, we went back to Mayo for yet more tests. The day before we went to
 Mayo this time, it was as if the Lord was beginning to prepare me. I
 began to sense that things were not ok. On that fateful day, May 16th 2001 we got
 up at 5 am to get to Mayo early for them to do a CT scan. After we
 finished the tests, we killed some time while we waited for our
 appointment with our oncologist. Our appointment with the Oncologist was at 2:15
 p.m., and at 2:35 our oncologist came in and simply said, "the news is not
 good".   He went on to tell us that Melanie's cancer had metastasized and was in
 her lungs, brain, and it had nearly totally destroyed her top 4 vertebrae,
and there was no hope of curing her, only of slowing the cancer's growth.
 He went on to say that they were so concerned about her neck breaking that
they wouldn't even let her get up from her seat. She was immediately
 fitted with a neck brace and wheeled off to a hospital room so they could begin
 10 days of radiation to her neck to try to slow the cancer's growth.

 That night as I sat with Melanie in her hospital room of course we cried a
lot, but then God gave us a special measure of grace to accept and begin
 planning for her death. That night we made out a list of things we wanted
to get done before her death. Some of the things were to make a scrapbook
for our girls, make videotapes and to write letters from mom for them at
 major milestones in their lives. God in His mercy allowed us to
 accomplish every thing on that list. Because of the severe deterioration of her
 vertebrae Melanie was fitted with a halo to totally immobilize her neck.
 That was a hard day for us as our youngest daughter wouldn't get close to
 mom because she looked funny with this metal thing screwed into her head
 and metal rods coming up from a body brace. Ten days later I got a
 special birthday present in that I was able to take Melanie home from the hospital.
 One of the things that we had talked about in the hospital was Melanie's
 dream of one day having a home of her own. Having spent all of our
 married lives as missionaries, she had never really had a home of her own where
 she could do as wanted. The day following her release from the hospital was
 Memorial Day and we called down to the local realtor to leave a message
 that we were interested in looking at some houses. He just happened to be
in the office and took us and showed us two houses that very afternoon.
 We fell in love with one of the houses, made an offer on it the next day and
 by evening our offer had been accepted. The owner also agreed to let us
 move in right away and rent till the deal closed. So 3 days later Melanie
 was able to move into her very own home.

 For the next three months we had a steady stream of visitors coming to
 stay with us and help take care of Melanie. Even though it was hard to watch
 Melanie deteriorating, God still blessed us with three wonderful months of
transition. On Sunday morning August 19th, two ladies from church and a
 missionary colleague stayed with Melanie so I could go to church with the
 girls. Melanie was so weak now that she had to be carried everywhere.
 Just before I left for church, I had carried her out to the living room
 and propped her up on the couch. At 11:30 the ladies were just finishing up a
prayer time with Melanie and when they opened their eyes Melanie breathed
 her last. At exactly the same time, we were singing the closing hymn and
 I stayed seated with my daughters as one of them was fussing. At that
 moment while were surrounded by our church family singing, Melanie slipped into
 the presence of her Lord. As people started leaving the sanctuary the
 word came and so everyone went back into the sanctuary to pray for us while I
 rushed home.

 One of my concerns following Melanie's death was that my daughters aged 5
 and 2 ½ wouldn't be able to sleep at night and would be crying all the
 time. In reality there hasn't been a single night that the girls haven't
 been able to go right to sleep. Since Melanie's death we have experienced

 God's Grace in ways that we have never experienced before. I really
 believe that having lived in a hard country like Rwanda and having gone
 through the 1994 genocide really helped prepare me for Melanie's death.
 During the hard times in Rwanda I saw very visibly that extremely bad
 things really do happen to good people. Following Melanie's death I
 really didn't struggle with the "why" question, God helped me just accept it.
 One of the things I discovered was the importance of perspective. I also began
to realize that if God is really the awesome God that I sing about, then
 of course there is no way I can ever begin to figure out His ways.

 This last August God allowed my daughters and I to return to Rwanda where
 we are continuing my ministry of Church Development. One of my goals hereis to fulfill Melanie's dream of getting an Awana program translated into
 Kinyarwanda and started for the Rwandan kids. There have been challenges
in being back here, but overall again God has been very gracious in helping us with all the adjustments to living and working here in Rwanda.
 

 

 


> YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!
>
> Fellowship of Young Christian Widows-Widowers is growing rapidly. The
> Lord is blessing this ministry in exciting ways. We recently put out a
> request for you to send us pictures of your families. We need pictures of
> widows-widowers and their children, together or individually, for a
> presentation we are putting together for churches and other Christian
> groups. Family snapshots or formal pictures would be appreciated. We
> will need many pictures as we want the faces of widows-widowers and their
> children to touch hearts as information is shared with those listening.
> So the MORE pictures you can send us.....the better! The pictures used
> will have no identifying information on them. Your privacy is very
> important to us at FOYCWW. We believe churches need information on how to
> help widows-widowers, and we are beginning to receive contacts asking for
> our help. We do not want to miss this opportunity to help our brothers
> and sisters in Christ reach out to widows-widowers in their communities.
> So please send your pictures to our email address using jpeg format, or to
> our mailing address. We need LOTS and LOTS of pictures!
> Fellowship of Young Christian Widows-Widowers
> PO Box 438
> El Dorado, CA 95623
 

 


> Questions and Responses
> Do you wonder what other widows-widowers do in certain situations? Have
> you felt awkward at times and wished you could ask another widow-widower
> if they have felt that way? Here is your chance to ask! Send in your
> questions and those of you who can, please send your comments on the
> questions that have been asked. We will publish them in the next
> newsletter so everyone can benefit from the information shared.
>
> Laura asked……”I struggle with my new identity going from being married to
> being single overnight. Any comments?”
>
> Kim, a new widow who has spent her life serving others around her, is
> struggling with feelings of guilt for needing to take time for herself and
> her children at this point in her life. Do any of you have thoughts to
> share that might encourage her during this time?
>
> Harry, has been a widower for 10 months. He feels like he is having
> problems functioning and getting back into a normal routine. Not being
> able to sleep is increasing his difficulty making adjustments in his
> life. He wonders if any of you have suggestions for him.
>
>
> Several of you have asked questions in regards to fitting into your church
> after the death of your spouse. Those of you who have encountered
> difficulty fitting back into your local church might want to respond to
> this question. The next newsletter discussion section is going to talk
> about changes in our relationship with the churches we attend. Your
> comments will help us develop our discussion in this area.
>
>
>
>
 Life's Lighter Moments
 We would like you to share some of the lighter moments in your life. Do
 you have a funny story you would like to share with the group? At the end
 of the day, have you missed sharing with your spouse the cute things your
 children have said? Here is your chance to share them with us.

Nicholas sat at the kitchen table waiting for his lunch. His elbows were
 firmly planted in front of him, and his hands supported his cheeks. It
 was evident that his mind was contemplating a very important matter. As I
 set his lunch down in front of him he said, “Daddy in heaven?” I assured
 him as I did everyday, that daddy was safe in heaven. His lunch sat
 untouched as he returned to his thinking position. Suddenly his little
 face lit up. It was obvious that all that thinking had paid off and he had
 an important thought to share. His hand flew to his ear as he carefully
 wrapped his fingers over a non existent telephone receiver. Wondering why
 he had never thought of such a great idea before he shouted, “CALL HIM!”

                                           KID TO KID
Widows and widowers are not the only ones needing encouragement. Our kids
 need each other. Encourage your kids to send us questions, comments,
 poems they have written, and stories of memories with their dad or mom who
is now with Jesus.

 My name is Jennette. My father died almost a year ago. He had been sick
 for 5 ½ years before he died. During those years my mother and my
 brothers and sister and I took care of him. I have two brothers and one
 sister. We had a special friend who came and helped us take care of my
 dad and she is still our friend. I love the song “Be Still My Soul”
 because it helped comfort me when my dad was dying, and it still helps me.



 All information sent for publication in the newsletter will be used as
 deemed appropriate. All information sent may not be used in the next newsletter, but saved and used at a later time. If copyright is in question, we will not be able to publish what is
 sent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FELLOWSHIP of YOUNG CHRISTIAN

         WIDOWS-WIDOWERS
             Newsletter #1

                                      CONTENTS
                               Getting to Know You
                          This Month's Discussion Topic
                          Questions and Responses
                                  Things to Ponder
                             Life's Lighter Moments
                                       Kid to Kid


Fellowship of Young Christian Widows-Widowers is beginning an e-mail
newsletter. We will be sending it out to everyone on the web site e-mail
list. If you do not wish to receive this newsletter, please contact us so
you can be removed from the list.




              GETTING TO KNOW YOU

We would like to introduce a new family in the newsletter as well as on the
web site. This will give them the opportunity to share insights that they
have gained through their grieving experience. We would like many of you to
respond by sending us a short introduction to your family. Please do not
feel pressured to write a glowing report of all the wonderful blessings your
family is seeing through your loss. We want you to share just where you are
at, the joys, the sorrows, and the frustrations.

This month we would like to introduce KC and her daughter……. KC was the
very first person to find our new web site in September. It has been a
blessing to get to know KC and to hear her testimony. Take a moment and get
to know her. You’ll want to go to the web site Getting Acquainted page ,to
see the picture of KC and her daughter.

I'd like to introduce myself. My name is KC, and I have been widowed since
June 1st 2001. My husband had a rare form of cancer called rhabdomyosarcoma and died suddenly from an infection due to chemotherapy. He and I were 22 years old and our daughter 5 years old at the time. Our story is a long one
with many unexpected sharp turns and bends in the road but of all those
bends losing my husband has been the toughest for me to deal with. I say me,
because Brian no longer has the cares of this world to deal with. For our
loved ones who know the Lord, this world was the worst they'll ever know.
Nothing seemed more devastating and difficult to deal with when Brian and I
discovered we'd be parents at the age of 17. I was a junior in high school
and Brian a senior. We knew we were going to have an uphill climb ahead
being so young but we knew having our child was the right decision.
Thankfully we had the loving support of our family, church family and
friends. Two months before my due date we found out Brian had cancer, and
being young parents was now not such devastation. I've certainly learned one
thing in all my trials; there's always a worse situation or someone who has
it a lot harder than you do. When the DR's found Brian's cancer it was
spread all over his body and he was going to have to fight the battle of his
life if he wanted to see his unborn child's first birthday. After a year of
mostly inpatient intense chemotherapy, two stem cell transplants, 40
straight days of radiation and close calls, Brian was done with his
treatment. A couple of months before Brian finished his treatments he became
a child of God by accepting Jesus as his personal savior. Brian had seen
God's grace and love for him through this most difficult time. Brian was
truly a changed person. We could now both place our trust and hope in the
only One who holds the future. Brian and I married in 1998 knowing full well
that this cancer could come back at anytime, but hoping and praying it never
would. One year later his cancer did return and we were devastated. This
time it wasn't as aggressive and they'd get rid of the tumor and 6 months
later another one would pop up. Brian chose his quality of life over the
quantity and chose to do out patient chemotherapy because he wanted to
provide for his family by working as a mechanic. He told the DR's what he
did and didn't want to do, what time he wanted his treatments and they
worked around our lives to give Brian the best quality life because the
future was undoubtedly uncertain. Brian and I kept a strong faith and
attitude, in fact Brian's attitude was better than most of ours. Brian's
life touched so many people because they thought to themselves, "If this guy
can keep a good attitude with what's going on in his life, I have no right
to complain and mope about mine."
As you know no matter what the circumstance surrounding the death of your
spouse you can never be fully prepared. Brian got an infection because of
his low immune system due to the chemotherapy and was gone the next day. He
had not been feeling good for about a week but didn't show signs of an
infection until the night before he died. I remember our last night together
as we sat in our bedroom crying and praying that God would take away his
pain and heal him, but if not that His will would be done. The next morning
I drove to the hospital and things were fine until about 3:00 in the
afternoon. Brian's heart rate plummeted and was transferred to ICU. In those
last hours I comforted my husband and we said I love you many times that
night. We had every hope that he would pull through, he always did. But we
knew in our hearts that if he did pull through there would be many
complications and he would've probably been bed ridden. I was praying again
that God heal him but if not to take him quick. I will believe in my heart
until the day I die that God needed Brian to be willing to go, and I'm sure
he was. I could tell from the night before. He was tired of suffering and
being scared of the unknown every day for 5 years.
If there was ever a demonstration of God's grace it was in those last hours
and few days after Brian's death. For the most part I held my composure. I
think God has made us so, that we go numb and get through the funeral and
wake. How else can one explain getting through that?
Oh but the days, weeks and months after. No body can prepare you for such
emotions and feelings of sorrow and loneliness. The first week of Brian's
death I felt happiness for him that he no longer was suffering and that he
now knew why all this had happened to him and his family, even thought it is
still not known fully to us. The real shock didn't set in until I was making
dinner for the first time for my daughter and I alone. I will never forget
that meal. It was hamburger helper. I cried through all 5 steps and while I
ate and while I did dishes. I was just staring out the window waiting for
his truck to round the corner from work. It was probably one of the hardest
things to do because it was the first real feeling of the way things were
going to be. So many little tasks were so hard for several months. Passing
Brian's favorite soup in the grocery isle, making an appointment for an oil
change, Brian being a mechanic the cars were taken care of by him, trying to
fix my daughters toys. No more lunch break phone chats at work. No more "can
you pick up a loaf of bread on your way home" or "goodnight" or "be careful
the roads are slick." It's the little things I think we miss the most. There
have been many nights I have cried, screamed and punched my pillow
wondering, why things happened the way they did when there's so many
husbands out there who disrespect their wives, beat their kids and don't
give a hoot about God's love for them. God has gently reminded me of several
things during these times of sorrow.

In Matthew 5:45 Jesus says "He causes the sun to rise on the evil and the
good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Just because we
are Christians doesn't mean God puts this imaginary bubble around us that
will protect us from harm all the time. He has how ever promised us that "in
all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called
according to His purpose." We do not have the power or capability of seeing
this whole picture but we must believe that whatever we are allowed to go
through here on this earth is all part of God's perfect plan for His
purpose. God has also brought to my mind that if he chose to reveal His
purpose for the many things I have been through, would that truly satisfy me
and make my loss any less? My, and many of yours, answer at this season of
my life might be "no" and might even make me angry. All he wants us to do is
"Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not onto our own
understanding (paraphrase: don't try to figure it out on your own you'll
drive your self crazy); in all your ways acknowledge him (paraphrase: thank
Him for what he HAS gotten you through) and He will make your paths straight
(paraphrase: He'll take your next foot and put it in front of the other).
Proverbs 3: 5-6. There are still day's that I seem to cry more than smile
but I can rest at night knowing Brian is in heaven and will see me again one
day. My daughter and I talk freely and jokingly about Brian. We have laughed
and cried together many times. Our daughter has done quiet well and misses
spending time with her daddy. I hope one day she'll realize that thoughts of
her, kept her daddy fighting for his life many lonely nights